jayandstacey Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 From the radio show "A Prairie Home Companion" a funny parody of pompous and wordy restaurant reviewers.... This was performed live Saturday night in Seattle, WA. Both characters pronounced Puget Sound as pue-JAYE. I could use a clammelier. https://www.prairiehome.org/story/2017/01/07/bertrand-falstaff-heine-january-7-2017 Quote (RESTAURANT, BAR SOUNDS, LIGHT CONVERSATION) CT (CHRISTIAN): Hello, and welcome to the Cup & Clam. Do you have a reservation? TR (BERTRAND): Yes, my name is Bertrand Falstaff Heine. I called ahead, I'm a critic--to be more specific, a wine critic--a former wine critic. I was fired, a politically-motivated firing, it's not worth mentioning. I'm in town for the weekend, indulging in the coffee and seafood at some of Seattle's most exclusive establishments. CT: Ah, yes, Mr. Heine. My name is Christian. I'll be your ".clammelier " tonight, guiding you through this evening's coffee and clam selections. Table for one? BFH: Yes...my companions seem to have abandoned me this evening. CT: "One can be instructed in society, but one is inspired only in solitude." Goethe, sir. Will this do? (SFX TABLE) BFH: Ah. Yes. The venerable Goethe. Of course. Well chosen. I think I'll start with a coffee. The Cup & Clam enjoys a reputation as a steaming jewel in Seattle's dark, liquid crown. CT: Why, thank you, sir. Appreciation from a Midwest luminary such as yourself is always gratifying. Tonight's offering is a unique blend of Brazilian Santos and Jamaican Blue Mountain Arabica varieties. We roast the beans one at a time over a mesquite grill. The taste is like coming to your senses amid the embers of a newly burned chaparral forest. The gourmet chocolate bars you carried have melted into the warm earth. In your pocket, you find a matchbook, missing a single match. Fear takes hold and you begin to run. Your footsteps raise clouds of nutmeg and cinnamon, enveloping you in a fragrant layer of incriminating spice. BFH: [slightly shaken] I must say, Christian, for a clammelier, that was beautifully put. CT: I do apologize if I wasn't describing it very well, sir. In the face of beauty, words often dance just beyond the reach of the tongue's fingers. BFH: Astonishing. I expressed much the same lament in my review of the ineffable 2006 Chateau de Chien Napa Valley Sauvignon: "Passion picks the mind's pockets even as it throws wide the prison gates of the mouth." Whatever your momentary shortcomings, rest assured I recognize your sentiments as midwives to the soft pink infant of truth. CT: Your own words, sir... I find myself ill-prepared for the comfort they impart. They fall upon my chapped emotions like a healing balm, a soothing, mentholated ointment of courage. BFH: [quiet, shaken] Yes. You've spoken of coffee. What of the clams? What of the clams, Christian? CT: Yes, sir. From the rocky coasts of the Puget Sound we present our King County Clam Carpaccio. Feathery slices of native butter clams, locally sourced, excavated upon your assent from their beds of wave-rounded, twice-filtered silica and coral sand. Each plate arrives littered with dill needles, calling to mind a beach on Christmas morning, a muted tableau revealed by the tide as it slips out, leaving the wet stones to... BFH and CT: [at the same time]...to observe their silent holiday. CT: Just so, sir. BFH: [full of emotion] I...I want to ask about the carpaccio slices. You used the word "feathery"... CT: Did I? I misspoke. An unworthy description. As transparent as a child's tantrum, each slice is a clear pane of clam-tinted glass, a window into a world where "might have been" is, and always shall be, hinting at the passions that clamor within each of us, and ringing out in sounds as clear as the air itself, singing out for anyone, anyone!... Who is listening? Oh, who is listening?! I am! I listen! I AM HERE! [pause, BFH weeps] CT: [gently] You appear to be weeping, sir. Have I said something wrong? BFH: [hoarse] No, Christian. Not that. I fear I must leave without dinner. I must walk in the darkness, gaze out upon the Sound and perhaps calm the turbulent sea within my own heart. I should think on my life, my choices, the indiscretions of my wasted youth. You've honored me with your stewardship and your eloquence, Christian. Perhaps I'll return tomorrow, when I've gathered my thoughts. CT: Of course, sir. It's been a most genuine and unexpected privilege to serve. But please, sir, bear in mind that if you do return tomorrow, our specials will have changed. BFH: [calm and warm] I hope so, Christian. I do hope so. Goodnight to you. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonRocks Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 11 hours ago, jayandstacey said: From the radio show "A Prairie Home Companion" a funny parody of pompous and wordy restaurant reviewers.... This was performed live Saturday night in Seattle, WA. Both characters pronounced Puget Sound as pue-JAYE. I could use a clammelier. This merits a *very* slow, thorough reading. The best satire strikes close to the bone, but what makes this so hilarious (not "laugh-out-loud" hilarious, but "brilliant" hilarious) is that there's just enough poetry in these words to make them parodies of poetry itself, not necessarily pretentious criticism - I loved it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jayandstacey Posted January 9, 2017 Author Share Posted January 9, 2017 (edited) 1 hour ago, DonRocks said: This merits a *very* slow, thorough reading. The best satire strikes close to the bone, but what makes this so hilarious (not "laugh-out-loud" hilarious, but "brilliant" hilarious) is that there's just enough poetry in these words to make them parodies of poetry itself, not necessarily pretentious criticism - I loved it. There's a bit of weird eroticism in the performance between the eager young clammier and the stuffy critic. You can listen easily here: https://www.prairiehome.org/shows/54603 Just beneath the whole-show audio link it says "view all audio clips" - click that, the skit is the third from the bottom of the dropdown list, entitled the "Bertrand Falstaff Heine script." Someone smarter than me might be able to embed it here. And yes, they said "view all audio clips". Edited January 9, 2017 by jayandstacey to make it more poetical. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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