Passing the Hat -- Ask Amy

[Mrs. B]

Today's Ask Amy Column had a question regarding a passing of the hat at a dinner party Huh!

Unless it's stated at the outset (before the invite is accepted) I think this is a bit too much and even then ewwww. You all have any thoughts? I don't have any qualms about asking for food but cash!

[Barbara]

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QUOTE(Mrs. B @ Aug 16 2007, 05:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Today's Ask Amy Column had a question regarding a passing of the hat at a dinner party Huh!

Unless it's stated at the outset (before the invite is accepted) I think this is a bit too much and even then ewwww. You all have any thoughts? I don't have any qualms about asking for food but cash!

If anyone has read Miss Manners or Ask Amy faithfully, then you know that folks have been turning what were once celebrations (weddings, birthdays, etc.) into shake-down opportunities. Today's example was just mind-boggling. Pot lucks are a different story. That's just a way for people to get together casually without the hosts having to bear the entire cost of entertaining. But inviting people to dinner at your house and then passing the hat? In this case a specific amount was requested. I'm glad I don't have that person's nerve in my tooth! And some people wonder why they never get invited to anybody's home.

[Mark Slater]

I will admit that Ask Amy is my guilty pleasure in the Post, now that Dear Abby is no more. I have to admit that I am regularly appalled at the things people write to her about. You have to wonder where these people live.

[Scott Johnston]

Really poor taste to pass the hat without letting people know up front that you will be doing so. Certainly OK to do so if the expectation was known upfront as part of the invitataion. My neighbors had a pot luck/ crab fest that everyone knew we were going to split the cost of the crabs. Perfect use of the hat.

[dinwiddie]

Instead of VISA she should have said Discover, less likely to get an affirmative answer.

[qwertyy]

Passing the Hat - Ask Amy 10/16/07 Post

Is it October already?? How long did I sleep???

[Pool Boy]

Good grief, some folks just have no class.

[jiveturk21]

I am 31, my sister is 25. When she graduated from college, she had a lot of issues with friends when they went out to dinner or to grab drinks. In fact, she actually got a bit paranoid that she forgot how to do math because they were consistently short money at the end of the night! Yes, it was that bad.

I simply told her that, over time, it will work itself out. Those cheap people won't be your friends in a few years because people will get sick of them. You will get sick of picking up an extra $20 every night at dinner or an extra round of drinks during happy hour, and the cheap people won't be invited anymore. She thought that I was crazy, she would never grow apart from people that she had known for so long, but a short three years later, she rarely ever deals with that problem anymore.

How did I know this? I dealt with the same problem years earlier when I graduated from college. And, it is not a money thing, it is a respect thing. If you are poor, don't go out and mooch off your friends. In fact, I rarely see the poorer people doing this, it is generally the people that have some money that think that it is fine to stiff their friends with the bill. Well, I am sure that those cheap people are having a grand old time now that they never get invited anywhere because they suck!

Sorry, this strikes a chord with me, nothing gets me more upset than people being cheap and trying to take advantage of their friends.

As for this story, it is one of the most ridiculous things that I have ever heard. If you have people over, they are your guests. You may have a potluck or something like that, but if you invite people over and don't ask them to bring anything, don't expect them to pay at the end.

Personally, when I have people over, I tell them to bring nothing. Why? Most times, when people bring stuff, it sucks. I don't want a $4 bottle of wine or a bag of chips and salsa. I don't want to give them the satisfaction of thinking that they brought something over so they helped out. I would rather them bring nothing and then invite people over to their house next time. Because, if they DON'T invite people over, then you just kick them out of the rotation as well.

Yes, I know, I sound bitter, but this is a hot button for me. People need to be taught some manners and get their shit together!

[Sthitch]

Personally, when I have people over, I tell them to bring nothing. Why? Most times, when people bring stuff, it sucks. I don't want a $4 bottle of wine or a bag of chips and salsa. I don't want to give them the satisfaction of thinking that they brought something over so they helped out. I would rather them bring nothing and then invite people over to their house next time. Because, if they DON'T invite people over, then you just kick them out of the rotation as well.

I have always been taught to bring a hostess gift when going to someone's house for dinner, and my wife is even more zealous about it than I am. We actually take them to our parents. But in most cases, the way I get around making the host or hostess feel like they need to share the gift I brought for them is that I bring an unchilled bottle of Champagne (generally whatever is our current house Champagne). Most people understand that it is a way for me to say thank you for the invitation and for them to enjoy later.

But I understand your comment about people wanting to feel like they are contributing. A couple of years ago I catered a dinner for a friend of mine, she was very clear in her requests that people not bring food since the event would be catered. But some people just felt like they had to contribute, but what did they bring? One person brought a tub of salsa from Giant, but without chips, another brought a plastic box of flavorless cut-up fruit from Shopper’s Food, and another brought cheap industrialized cheese. Nobody touched any of the stuff these people brought, but I guess they felt like they contributed.

[Pat]

Personally, when I have people over, I tell them to bring nothing. Why? Most times, when people bring stuff, it sucks. I don't want a $4 bottle of wine or a bag of chips and salsa. I don't want to give them the satisfaction of thinking that they brought something over so they helped out. I would rather them bring nothing and then invite people over to their house next time. Because, if they DON'T invite people over, then you just kick them out of the rotation as well.

Yes, I know, I sound bitter, but this is a hot button for me. People need to be taught some manners and get their shit together!

As far as the etiquette issue goes, it's as rude to charge your guests for the meal as it is to reject a gift they bring (even cheap wine or chips). You smile and thank them. If it's something to consume right way, you might put it out or make a polite excuse for why you're not putting it out just then. When they leave, you figure out what to do with it.

As time goes on, people you have less in common with will probably be people you socialize with less and those who share your taste in food or wine will probably be the people you're most likely to be hosting or visiting. I'm not going to eliminate people I like from my social circle because they bring a bottle of, say, white zinfandel to a dinner party. (That's not the best example, as I've been known to consume white zinfandel.) If they bring Mad Dog, maybe they misunderstood what kind of party it was .

The old social notion of reciprocity has fallen out of favor in a lot of quarters. That reciprocity doesn't even need to be a precise rotation determining who will host. Generally, when people invite you over, then you are socially obligated to host them for something in the future. It's when people get into "I paid $500 for the food for that dinner and had to take a day off work to prepare it, and when we went there they gave us hot dogs and cheetos" that things go off the tracks. If you enjoy your friends' company, hot dogs and cheetos are a perfectly adequate repayment for coq au vin.

[Al Dente]

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: `That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'

[jiveturk21]

I obviously do not deny people when they bring things over, I am very gracious about it, but I strongly encourage them not to worry about it, it is my party, I will take care of it. Generally, they listen, the only people that bring things over to my house these days are people who actually have a clue concerning what is good or not.

As far as going to others houses is concerned, it is tough when you go all out for a party and then they serve you packaged things that taste like crap, but you grin and bear it. I agree with you though, they are your friends, spending time with them is the whole point of it.

Overall, I have to deal with a lot of crazy people in my life, some who just have no clue how to have a dinner party or how to be a good guest. You deal with it though, put on a good face and then come vent to you guys about it!