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Shizuku Kanzaki


Mark Slater
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It's finally come to this. The most influential sommelier-wine critic in Japan is a cartoon character with the power to move mountains of wine by mere mention of a producer or climat .

I don't see any difference between this and the massive bump in pinot noir sales from Sideways. Now, if the author was being paid behind the scenes to push product, that would be insidious.

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It's finally come to this. The most influential sommelier-wine critic in Japan is a cartoon character with the power to move mountains of wine by mere mention of a producer or climat .
<baby voice>Ooooh... somebody's jealous!!!!</baby voice>

On a warm indian summer day a strange and wonderful metallic meteorite fell to Earth from parts unknown. It was found by one Mark Slater, who took it and, after long hours grinding away in his garage, turned this bizarre extraterrestrial metal into a new tastevin. When he put it on, he discovered he developed strange powers like the ability to talk to grapes and turn water into wine. Thus did Mark Slater become:

THE BURGUNDY DIONYSUS! DEFENDER OF FREEDOM!

"Oh no! Hooligans from Franzia's gang are pouring phosphates into our fields and ruining our terroir!"

"Fear not, good country peasants! I shall save you!"

"Gasp! The Burgundy Dionysus!"

The Burgundy Dionysus uses his awesome Oak Barrel Cannon to drive away the hooligans, when an insidious mastermind shows up.

"By Mondavi's beard! It's Franzia!"

"Gyah hah hah hah hah! This was merely a diversion! Soon my plan to revoke Bordeaux's AOC status will be complete!"

"You monster!"

Luckily, Mark always carries a bottle of '67 Chateau Latours with him. With a mighty quaff, he achieves his true potential and stuns Franzia with a powerful Plasma Wave redolent of spruce, blackberries, and a hint of truffle on the finish! Standing triumphantly over his foe:

"Time to put a cork in YOU, Franzia!"

I... I'm having way too much fun with this.

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