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NaNoLab Open for New Year's Celebration


Michael Landrum
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Just announced--NaNoLab will be hosting the most exclusive New Year's gathering ever. For this one night and for one stellar guest only the stately pleasure dome at 1725 Wilson Blvd will be transformed into a magical escape from the mundane and pedestrian in the most celebratory celebration of the wonderfulness of dining exclusivity ever.

I will first survey all area chefs and restaurateurs to find out which of their own dishes they deign to have been the best dishes of 2005.

Then I will transform these star dishes--ON THE MOLECULAR LEVEL--into my French-inspired Nuevo Latino/Onan-Goan Hand Food/Asian/Uzbeki Molecular Fusion Cuisine, utilizing a house-milked She-Yak for all fresh-curd and fermented dairy products and a house-slaughtered tender Young He-Yak to produce the entire menu, hoof-to-horn.

This seventeen course extravaganza will be plated onto a single petri dish, possible because of my patented NaNoCuise system, in order of mild to strong to utterly disgusting, counter clockwise. Of course, I will make up stories about my traditional, peasant Beacon Hill holiday get togethers that never really happened and a colorful, eccentric, but mysteriously wise in an earthy, worldly and druidic way Yak-hunter uncle who doesn't exist either. I will explain how each story was the inspiration for one of the dishes you are maybe about to enjoy, and then I will turn my back to you and stand in cold, diffident silence.

The petri dish will be placed under one of three hollowed-out coconut shells I will have arranged on a private table, which I will move about in a confusing manner while I bewitch you with my mesmerising patter.

For $2006.00 you will be allowed one guess as to under which coconut shell the magnificent tasting menu hides its glorious, delicious exclusivity. Should you guess correctly, the coconut shell will be lifted and you may inhale the fabulous essences. Each subsequent guess will be an additional $2006.00. For the donation of a Hummer you can have ten guesses, but only if you can prove that the Hummer was bought with unpaid employee wages.

Gratuity is not necessary, as my expert team of highly-trained prestidigitators, or if you prefer, legerdemainists, imported directly through the "grey" market Middle Passage from Onan-Goa exclusively for NaNoLab and dressed in tradition "mittens," will be milling about the room providing for our every need.

No dessert will be served.

Oprah will produce the musical version of this heart-wrenching but soulful event and I will get my own TV show and become so famous that I can charge $7.50 for a piece of crapcake.

Only those who receive my secret mental projection will be considered for this dinner, so take off the foil hats and get ready to receive the psychic penetrations!!!

Proof of penetration must be presented to enter the selection.

Only one guest will be selected to revel in my most fitful creation yet.

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Oprah will produce the musical version of this heart-wrenching but soulful event and I will get my own TV show and become so famous that I can charge $7.50 for a piece of crapcake.

Sweet. Oprah BM deconstructed.

Edited by Cooter
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Sweet.  Oprah BM deconstructed.

PS: The buttercrap frosting only tastes like crap when served at less than 96 degrees, not because I am a crap baker who doesn't know how to bake crap. Since people are too stupid to know crap, I will design cutesy graphics to let them know how stupid they are.

Edited by Michael Landrum
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PS:  The buttercrap frosting only taste like crap when served at less than 96 degrees, not because I am a crap baker who doesn't know how to bake crap.  Since people are to stupid to know crap, I will design cutesy graphics to let them know how stupid they are.

So, you have a deal with Food Network for a show yet? :) You could call it NaNoCrap.

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So, you have a deal with Food Network for a show yet?  :) You could call it NaNoCrap.

Actually, it is with my new neighbors, The Discovery Channel. The show is called "I Made Boom-Boom!" I go around to other people's places who actually know how to make boom-boom and then I follow their directions and try to make boom-boom myself. At the end of the show I yell "I made Boom-Boom!"

Edited by Michael Landrum
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Sodium and Nobelium? Brings back memories of the special NiBurger celebration where Micheal treated us to the special upgraded major domo level of service. I remember it well, the pleasant odor of freshly grilled burgers was injected into the HVAC. Unbelievalble what Michael was able to charge for that experience.

Edited by Jacques Gastreaux
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"The petri dish will be placed under one of three hollowed-out coconut shells I will have arranged on a private table, which I will move about in a confusing manner while I bewitch you with my mesmerising patter."

If we get the private table, do we still have to be out in 90 minutes?

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For this one night and for one stellar guest only the stately pleasure dome at 1725 Wilson Blvd will be transformed into a magical escape from the mundane and pedestrian in the most celebratory celebration of the wonderfulness of dining exclusivity ever.

What is a Casandra of the culture like Mr. Landrum doing serving terrific steaks? All the better for us I guess.

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Mr. Landrum,

This sounds like a wonderful opportunity. I am thinking of buying this for myself as a special holiday treat. Before I do, I have some questions.

1) Is there a kid's menu?

2) Are you going to be able to squeeze mini-burgers into the petri dish? If so, medium rare, puh-leaze!

3) Will there be any uses of foam? I love foam.

4) Is the wine pairing included, or will it be decontructed and integrated into the dish?

5) Will the waiters be trained in ballet? This is important to me.

6) How much for the happy ending?

Thank you in advance for your consideration.

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Mr. Landrum,

This sounds like a wonderful opportunity. I am thinking of buying this for myself as a special holiday treat. Before I do, I have some questions.

1) Is there a kid's menu?

2) Are you going to be able to squeeze mini-burgers into the petri dish? If so, medium rare, puh-leaze!

3) Will there be any uses of foam? I love foam.

4) Is the wine pairing included, or will it be decontructed and integrated into the dish?

5) Will the waiters be trained in ballet? This is important to me.

6) How much for the happy ending?

Thank you in advance for your consideration.

All of these questions were answered in my psychic broadcast, my mental projections must not have penetrated. Please remove the tin foil hat and the foil lining your walls.

Some of my astral emanations may have been less than clear, so I will elucidate on these questions however.

1) No, kids will be performing a recorder-pennywhistle symphony that I myself composed, but we will not be eating them this year.

2) He-Yak NiBurgers, as alluded to above and oh so much more precious and clever than your miniburger, may be included. You will have to try your skills against mine under the coconut.

3) There will be a foam essence.

4) I will be drinking far too many wines to even bother trying to pair them with your dining experience.

5) They are not waiters, they are prestidgitator-captains, having passed the first test in the Master Prestidigitator Certification Program. They are expert at the Onan-Goa version of ballet, the details of which I can not go into here--but let's just say there is a reason they wear "mittens".

6) There will be a synchronized happy ending for the stellar guest, during which the Onan-Goans will simultaneously remove their "mittens," leading to a climax that puts all of those other synchronized beverage service/impress-the-idiots-who-think-Cirque-de-Soleil-is-Art programs to shame. The real happy ending is, of course, when the guest leaves and I get to count the money.

Edited by Michael Landrum
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Just announced--NaNoLab will be hosting the most exclusive New Year's gathering ever.  For this one night and for one stellar guest only the stately pleasure dome at 1725 Wilson Blvd will be transformed into a magical escape from the mundane and pedestrian in the most celebratory celebration of the wonderfulness of dining exclusivity ever.

Will Kubla Khan be there?

And most importantly -- Will Olivia Newton-John be there?

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Mr. Landrum,

Many thanks for your kind reply and I have removed my tin foil cap. I am now clearly picking up what you are telepathically puttin' down. The Master Prestidigitador program sounds great, you are truly pushing the envelope. Any chance they will be dressed as Samurai?

A few more questions:

Will I have my choice of still, sparkling, or tap?

What about parking?

In the event I feel the service provided by the mittened Onan-Goan is subpar, I will require that he/she/it (?) be decapitated at my table and their still beating heart thrown onto an anti-griddle (fifteen seconds, each side). Will you have the strength to carry this out? Do you have an anti-griddle? Again, this is important to me.

edit- I suffer from Latex Allergy Type I and can go into anaphylactic shock if I come near a latex balloon. Please, for the love of God, handle all of my food with bare hands and do not decorate with any type of latex balloons (Mylar is OK, and I love the ones that depict Chicken Little.

Edited by B.A.R.
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Will Kubla Khan be there?

And most importantly -- Will Olivia Newton-John be there?

That is so funny, because Kubla Khan is an ancestor, and the origin of our peasant holiday Yak traditions while studying at Harvard. Many many stories do we tell around our Beacon Hill Yurt about Uncle Kubla. Alas, he is no longer with us, but his great-great-great-great grandnephews, and champion Yak hunters/Yak milkers, Khand Kjob and Kheoj will be.

Olivia will be roller-skating for me, privately.

Edited by Michael Landrum
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I would assume you will have some way of keeping the noise level down by ensuring that no combination of women and alcohol will be present. As I am a woman and intend to drink alcohol with this "meal," I require that you either a) design an enzyme that will prevent any alcohol ingested from being absorbed by my system, or B) provide me with the finest, softest wool (or wool-equivalent fibre), preferably from an unborn sheep or yak calf, that I might stuff into my own ears to ensure that I am not subjected to my own inevitable, unpleasant wine-induced squeals.

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Can I use "virtual" cash to avoid credit card commission. And are these the same Yak herders/ guano ombudsmen who will lead in the "no problem" chanting session later at Iota? And can me and my obnoxious friends bring our own wine, not pay corckage and then slander you for being a good business person?

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5) They are not waiters, they are prestidgitator-captains, having passed the first test in the Master Prestidigitator Certification Program.  They are expert at the Onan-Goa version of ballet, the details of which I can not go into here--but let's just say there is a reason they wear "mittens".

6) There will be a synchronized happy ending for the stellar guest, during which the Onan-Goans will simultaneously remove their "mittens," leading to a climax that puts all of those other synchronized beverage service/impress-the-idiots-who-think-Cirque-de-Soleil-is-Art programs to shame.  The real happy ending is, of course, when the guest leaves and I get to count the money.

Oh my God. :)

This might be worth getting a babysitter on New Year's Eve. My tin foil hat is off!

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