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lackadaisi

Bolt Burger, Human-Free Cooking Of Hamburgers on 10th Street and Mass Avenue at Mount Vernon Triangle

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I'm getting a little sick of "restauranteurs" with no experience that look at the demographics of this neighborhood and assume that we will buy whatever they are selling, even if it tastes like crap. This neighborhood has been all abuzz about Bolt, as we could really use a good burger place. But please!

We will not buy your pre-formed, frozen, overcooked discs of subpar meat just because you sprinkle bad garlic powder on them. Even if you have really big TVs and ipads for everyone. At least not more than once.

Please don't blame it on the fact that "no humans are involved in the cooking of the food." Involve some damn humans then! And don't insult us by thinking that we won't notice that this is crap.

(I would love for Bolt to read this, take it to heart, and give us some real burgers. If so, I will retract every word and glow. But I don't know any other way of making them understand that this is not acceptable. They have already lost a great portion of their potential regulars in first day, as I saw at least half my building reeling tonight.)

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Yes, they opened this morning. Much awaited. I don't think I've ever had more texts about an opening. Or about the frozen patties...

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Looking at their logo, the only thing I can think is:

3W0Q9L8.png

(God help you if you get this reference - I sure as shit wish I didn't)

And much like the movie, it sounds from the WaPo review that they're hoping to dazzle people more with touchscreen ordering and ~technology~ than a solid product.  Hey guys, I ordered a burger using a touchscreen at a Sheetz something like five years or more ago - it's not a selling point.

"You can order food without having a single interaction with another human being"

:blink: So their grand idea on how to compete in the *shockingly* over-saturated DC burger market is to make their dining experience the most inhuman and robotic.  And I thought Kraze Burger's officiously-utilitarian Asian 'feel' was bad.

One of the technological centerpieces of Bolt Burgers is a no-flip burger grill. The device can cook a six-ounce burger in exactly three minutes, to the exact same level of doneness every time. It can make 1,200 burgers an hour. "I think it's fantastic," said Clayton. "I have the confidence that the guy at the grill will hit a button and get a perfect burger every time."

Nnngh...fff...seriously?  HALF THE FUN OF ORDERING A BURGER IS WONDERING HOW THE COOK MIGHT MANAGE TO SCREW UP SOMETHING SO SIMPLE.  And if you're going to automate cooking a burger, program the robo-grill to prepare something other than "fast food well-done" as a temperature option.  Sheesh.

"If you haven't pre-ordered, a server will present you with a table number if you plan to dine in. Use that to place your order at one of the touchscreen kiosks, or through the touchscreen tablet at your seat."

And will said tablets be ritualistically wiped down with 99% isopropyl alcohol when cleaned to get the germs, kid spit, bathroom remnants, and snot off the screens inbetween seatings?  Is the server forbidden from talking with you upon bestowing the hallowed table number like some Scientology silent birth ritual cum burger joint creed? <_<"THOU SHALT NOT DISTRACT THY CUSTOMER FROM THEIR TWEETING!"

(yes, I like using that word in a completely innocent and grammatically-correct context, plus finding a legitimate reason to type 'cum burger' at 10am on a Friday makes me smile)

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I wonder if "Chef" Troy Clayton is still at Geranio, or if he's pushing buttons full-time now.

Do you know why they call it Bolt Burger? You have one, and then you bolt. Also, when I first read this, I asked myself, "You sane?"

Sous-vide ...

Sushi robots ...

The Replicator ...

It's a Good Life.

Cheers,

Charlie X

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This place is currently failing the Yelp test something awful.  It always seems that every place imaginable can still eke out 3-3 1/2 stars on Yelp.  This place - granted, with only seven reviews - is currently rocking 2 1/2, with the most common complaint being...*drumroll*...long wait times for food.

...and here I thought they could cook 1200 burgers an hour and a single one in three minutes.

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To be fair on the yelp reviews, I think the bad wait ones were all from the first lunch service, which was a technological disaster as wifi didn't work properly and no humans were involved in the process so there was nothing that could be done. That was fixed by dinner.

On the other hand, there are a couple good ones, one that even says that the burgers are as good as in and out. These are clearly planted as no human could possibly believe this.

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I just looked at that ordering tablet with the CC swiper on the side.  How long until someone figures out a way to put a skimmer on those?

If they can manage to get them onto convenience store ATMs and gas pumps, I'd imagine not long.

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I'm getting a little sick of "restauranteurs" with no experience that look at the demographics of this neighborhood and assume that we will buy whatever they are selling, even if it tastes like crap. This neighborhood has been all abuzz about Bolt, as we could really use a good burger place. But please!

FWIW: According to the Washington Post article, Joe Spinelli is one of the co-owners.  He is the president of pretty big local restaurant consulting company.  I think it is hard to say that he and his team have no experience.  That of course is neither necessary nor specific to cooking a halfway decent burger.

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FWIW: According to the Washington Post article, Joe Spinelli is one of the co-owners.  He is the president of pretty big local restaurant consulting company.  I think it is hard to say that he and his team have no experience.  That of course is neither necessary nor specific to cooking a halfway decent burger. 

Then maybe this restaurant is the means to a bigger end - a proving ground, perhaps.

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FWIW: According to the Washington Post article, Joe Spinelli is one of the co-owners.  He is the president of pretty big local restaurant consulting company.  I think it is hard to say that he and his team have no experience.  That of course is neither necessary nor specific to cooking a halfway decent burger. 

Then maybe this restaurant is the means to a bigger end - a proving ground, perhaps.

They've been calling it a chain since months before it opened.

My fellow readers,

I promise you that I read *all* columns representing *all* points of view. That said, I *instantly* made the connection to the mini-dialog (quoted above) when I read "Raise Minimum Wage? It's Iffy" by George Will on washingtonpost.com just now - maybe I was prescient despite my ignorance.

I wasn't thinking about this thread at all, until I read this paragraph which positively jumped off the page:

"If you think government policy should encourage automation of the ordering and preparation of food to replace workers in the restaurant industry, which employs 43.8"‰percent of minimum-wage workers."

So do you think this restaurant might be a proving ground for the elimination of labor because of possible increased minimum wages? Maybe it was naive not to think of this before, but I didn't.

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Maybe...if it still weren't the case that the more automation you employ, the more frequently the machines will break down.

Humans might not be perfect creatures, but we've got more redundancies built in than what machines can offer - at least at present.

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Maybe...if it still weren't the case that the more automation you employ, the more frequently the machines will break down.

Humans might not be perfect creatures, but we've got more redundancies built in than what machines can offer - at least at present.

I don't know, Destruya - I think sometimes people don't want to "deal" with other people. Think: 7-11, Drive-Thru Windows, ATMs, Self-Serve Gasoline ... yes, these were foisted on us by Corporate America, but I know that a lot of these concepts have grown on me over time. Thoughts?

On a similar note, I think this is why people *hate* standing in line at Starbucks.

Yes, this is all a sign of the apocalypse, I don't deny that. Misanthropy wins.

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I think that has less to do with misanthropy and more to do with the fact that if it doesn't involve what happened on the latest AMC or HBO show or recent ~local sporting event~, people have nothing to talk about anymore...besides why their recent iPurchase is better than someone else's.

That being said, though.  *Fuck* people.  Seriously.  Every passing day makes me think a little more that a smallpox epidemic is worth the 33% chance of my own death.

And ~hi NSA~.  Hope you get some good restaurant gouge here.

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You sane, Bolt?

Vine Ripe Tomatoes and Fresh Buffalo Mozzarella, with Fresh Basil, Balsamic Vinegar and Extra Virgin Olive Oil $7.99

On 12/20/2013 at 2:54 AM, Destruya said:

Oh for the love of...

"New Zealand Cafe Will Deliver Burgers Via Pneumatic Tubes At 87 MPH" by Erin Jackson on aht.seriouseats.com

In a related story, it has been reported that Usain Bolt has recently completed the 100 meter dash without his feet ever touching the ground - apparently, he either glides through the air like Leo Tolstoy's "The Three Hermits," or he completes the race in one stride: Technology hasn't yet been able to detect which it is - there appears to be an issue with the judges not hearing the starting gun until after he crosses the finish line.

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Has anyone been here recently?  Or at all?  Amazingly, it is still standing, looks empty everytime I drive by, and has managed to outlive countless other establishments that I would vastly prefer. 

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