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My friend David Raines, of Gordon's in Waltham, Mass, is obviously in a silly mood today. His Daily Flash for today is a complete hoot. It made me look askance at my bowl of Total, that's for sure :P

(Moderators: I posted this here because of the nature of the parody, and the fact that it comes from a wine merchant. If it belongs elsewhere, please feel free to move it.)

The Gordon's Daily Flash: Monday August 29, 2005

This morning's scrambled eggs are an artful if not entirely original blend of whipped fresh local large browns, grated Parmesan, and cold low fat (2%) milk. Browned lightly in just melted butter they exhibit aromas of field herbs, scorched earth, 10W30 motor oil and newly laundered 200 thread count all cotton pillow cases. 88 POINTS

Remarkably, Tropicana has followed yesterday's stunningly successful Original Style (no pulp) charmer with an even more intensely flavored beauty featuring abundant amounts of pineapple, paint thinner, pop corn and just a soup├žon of a hauntingly grapefuit-like extra kick of tartness leading to what must be a 30 seconds plus finish. This total hedonistic turn-on will be at its best for the next few days and should be consumed before Sept. 9, 2005. 90 POINTS

The talented, hard-working Mrs. Avocado added a sexy concoction of drip brewed Sumatran Abilja, stiff-beaten fresh heavy cream, sugar, and just a scant half teaspoon of vanilla to the bright smile and radiant personality she brought to the table this morning. Reveling in a rich mixture of hot asphalt, charred balsa, caramelized rabe of broccoli, and grandma's holiday ginger cake scents, this long and sumptuously textured brew boasts a full-throttle, horse-collar tackle of finely hewn flavors and a welcome wheel-spinning pure cafeine buzz. 93 POINTS

Sadly few Americans can indulge themselves in a morning bowl of our country's favorite frozen treat, but the stupefyingly rich Ben & Jerry's Chocolate-Raspberry Swirl (an awesome follow-up to last week's blockbuster effort) boasts compellingly detailed notes of scorched earth, asian spices, wet bird's nest, and patent leather garter belts (specifically those from the famed Parisian lingerie firm Aubade), and rewards those unafraid of a few hundred mid-morning calories with its huge body, dense texture and marvelous integration of pure cane sugar sweetness, monstrously creamy opulence and stunningly icy je ne sais quoi, (not to mention its astonishing elegance and 35 cents off mail in coupon). This is a 9.9 on the Richter scale, a cascade of hedonistic gratification of an intensity most often found only in felonious associations with tantric professionals in certain mountain villages in northeasternmost Burma (or so I'm told). I have not been provided with pricing information, but for an experience as close to perfection as this, I would estimate most long-time readers would reckon this blockbuster offering a very great bargain at anything less than $50 to $60 per pint. 99 POINTS

-David Raines

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Cool, Dave. Now any time someone Googles "monkey farts", my name comes up. Thanks a pantload, dude. :unsure:
Thanks for all the advice, BTW. ;)

Trust me. There are far worse things than "monkey farts" to have your name associated with in a search engine.

Do you have any idea how many people got in touch with me because they heard there was a "Dan Cole 5k Memorial Race"?

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Separated at birth?

Good thing I shaved my beard years ago.

My wife, BTW, thinks that guy looks nothing like me.



Cool, Dave. Now any time someone Googles "monkey farts", my name comes up. Thanks a pantload, dude. ;)

Glad to help, Mark! I never really thought of that, to tell the truth. But I just googled "monkey farts" and found several references to scented candles and bath salts :unsure: , plus one Seamus Kennedy, but no mention of you. Perhaps we need to generate a lot of hits on my blog to boost the Web traffic ....

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At wine-compass.com we just added a link for DC wine retailers on our Wine Info page. Our list is practically empty (just one store), so we are looking for good suggestions. Please include the store name, address, phone number, and hours, web address and email - if these last three are available. We are also taking suggestions for Maryland and Virginia retailers; let us know as well. Thanks for your help.

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