24 Hour Pork and Parkour Party People--Breaking News!

[Michael Landrum]

I didn't want to have Don lose this exciting "scoop" to Tom's chat tomorrow, sooo....

The Ray's group is taking the cutting edge to the cutting edge and beyond.

We are pleased to announce not only our latest venture, 24 Hour Pork and Parkour Party People, but also the latest Hipster enclave, P Street Beach, or as the painfully hip (meaning--Not You!) will call it: Deep In the P Street High-Intensity Trafficking Sector.

24 Hour Pork and Parkour Party People will be the nation's first and only restaurant exclusively serving an ONLY snout and tail tasting menu--none of the lazy, inauthentic, non-gratuitously-shocking-to-prove-how badass-I-am costly, desirable, palatable cuts that are worth paying restaurant prices for--with "drink chefs" and "cookologists" toiling live at interactive Parkour installations table-side and throughout the restaurant.

Service: Each group will be attended to from the moment they make their reservation (upon contract approval and after being embedded with RFID's) by a squadron on nano-drones who will surveille the guests constantly, day or night, at work, home or play, during waking hours or while sleeping, to determine dining preferences, allergies, favorite colors, political affiliations, frequency of night-time urination and possible IBS--all of which will be fed into our state of the art computer system designed in collaboration with internationally-acclaimed bathroom architect, Skip Johnson, to determine precisely the proper sound levels and necessary rates of water flow for each guest so that we can tailor their experience specially for their needs.

A special hover drone equipped with an iPad3 containing satellite imagery of all of the wine producing acreage in the world plus a complete history of all of your vacation and business travels will be there to inform you of "your" wine selections and to assure you, "No, it's not corked, you just have to let it breathe a minute."

If you are cool enough, the drone will let slip that he toured with Kraftwerk in 1996.

That same personal squadron of nano-drones which by now has achieved self-awareness and can anticipate your needs is equipped with smart phones and will convey your order via Twitter to the kitchen without writing anything down and then monitor your progress throughout the meal and then home to gather statistical data points for rates of post-prandial intercourse.

Food-runners? Try Food Parkourists!!! All food and beverages will be delivered to your table by a highly trained corps of Parkourists outfitted in image-capture spandex "Cookologist" jackets who will vigorously pass through the many Parkour installations throughout the restaurant and arrive at your table for a final, table-side demonstration of Parkour and simultaneous service.

Payment will be made directly at the table via POS-enabled hover drones where your card never leaves the table.

To insure and ensure your privacy, all drones will be programmed NEVER to introduce themselves by their names or utter the words "You guys".

I will have my own camera-equipped drone that will "livestream" archive all of my movements, activities and alcohol consumption (pretty much the same thing, actually) to flatscreen monitors built in to each one of the degustatory stations (tables).

Staff: All staff will be rigorously screened and required to be "runway-ready".

All FOH and BOH members will be required to have copious sleeve tattoos, as well as "fictitious family history panel" back tattoos, and of course, a tattoo of a pig butcher chart, which will be highlighted by their custom-made Dothraki uniforms. (Now that Tom Sietsema has, after ten years of international travel, recently updated his sole, sad literary and cultural reference point from "Sex in the City" to "The Twilight Saga", I figure that in the four years it will take me to open this, he will have advanced from "Twilight" to "Game of Thrones" as his literary inspiration in his restaurant reviews).

The BOH staff member with the most tattoos will be in charge of the in-house charcuterie program, provided he can provide proof of an intensive multi-day training program in the centuries-old art of charcuterie via a motorcycle license plate containing either the words "pork", "fat", or "pink salt" or knuckle tattoos spelling "pork" and "mmmm".

The FOH staff member with the most tattoos will control the Vino-Drone and be eunoch-ized to make room for even more tattoos.

We will have two full-time publicists--one responsible solely for getting pictures of our staff's tattoos into local and national publications, and one solely for copying each move made by Spike Mendelsohn and making it seem like it was my idea first.

Sustainability: Being the nation's first and only SNOUT AND TAIL ONLY restaurant (Our motto--"Nothing. Just the oink."), we are so far beyond the cutting edge in sustainability it's not even funny. Forget about sourcing, that's not even relevant to us. We are all about and passionately committed to "placing". You see, we ONLY harvest the snout and tail (and the oink), leaving the animal fully alive. We then take motorcycle trips throughout the countryside seeking out only the finest and most socially-conscious Cambodia-born adoptees to adopt our animals after a highly-demanding placement screening and highly-photographed drone-copter airlift!

Hours: As the name implies, hours will be 24 hours a day, seven days a week, until several articles are written about our being THE 24 Hour Pork and Parkour Party People party place, at which point we will start closing at 10:30.

Location: Undisclosed pop-up locations throughout P Street Beach.

For more info, check for updates in the "Multiple Locations" thread of the Dining Guide.

[jasonc]

This is so last week.

[JuneBacon]

Have you worked out the the Living Social preview? And is it going to be in a pigsty in the middle of Pennsylvania? Also, Will you hire Spike M. as Cuoco del Retto?

[jparrott]

Will there be dizzy bat?

[Michael Landrum]

Have you worked out the the Living Social preview? And is it going to be in a pigsty in the middle of Pennsylvania? Also, Will you hire Spike M. as Cuoco del Retto?

The Living Social branch of the Washington Post is surreptitiously co-branding with me on this project on a strictly quid pro quo basis, in a deal where neither's professional integrity or basic dignity will be left intact.

Actually, the swine will be urban-foraging in the alleys off Pennsylvania Avenue, not Pennsylvania. In the area soon to be known as The District Of Uber-cool, Capitol Hill Edition zone.

As I mentioned above, Mr. Mendelsohn will be the object of my industrial and PR espionage, and not a partner.

I should mention now, however, that Michel Richard is a partner, even though I will deny it later when legal documents bearing federal charges of perjury demonstrate otherwise.

[Michael Landrum]

Will there be dizzy bat?

No, but there will be a bat on hand for craft beer aficionados who believe it is occasionally ok to drink PBR after adult kickball and craft beer aficionados who believe other people should never be allowed to drink the beer they (the other people) enjoy to beat themselves to death over how to solve the Palestinian problem.

That is, unless one of their mommies show up to break up the fight and make them go clean up the basement.

There will also be another bat on hand for post-feminists making $150,000/year and members of historically marginalized communities who have spent their entire lives fighting for gender and gender-issue equality to beat to death anyone who uses the word "guy".

Finally, a third bat for anyone who can prove he has never done a day's manual labor in his life to beat to death any servant who dares ask, "Are you still working on that?"

[Michael Landrum]

This is so last week.

You are so effing wrong. There is only one thing more cutting edge than chefs with badass tattoos and that's articles about chefs with badass tattoos!

Although I will say, that even more cutting edge and badass than tattoos of pig butcher charts is this: tattoos of poutine.

[jparrott]

I'm not going unless there's dizzy bat.

Sigh.

I wish genius parkouristas could be more accommodating.

[B.A.R.]

Any plans for a food truck?

[sheldman]

Any plans for a food truck?

Even better - a food truck with unpaid interns and hip volunteers!

[ol_ironstomach]

Any plans for a food truck?

I overheard Tom S say on Todd K's unconflog that Tim C had discovered documents warning of a new military-culinary-industrial complex, and linking Michael to a supersecret project that could crush the competition...literally. Not a food truck per se, but a food tank designed to deliver 120mm of smoothbore charcuterie in a continuous barrage for five minutes or until the money shot, whichever comes first. Staffed entirely by honorably discharged mimes (all veterans of 1990s don't-ask-don't-tell PSAs) and fitted with a Mercedes-Benz driveline plus that convertible hardtop that used to hang in RtS (classic), this could be a complete game-changer.

Security cameras recently captured several of his prototypes on a test run in this east Dupont Circle neighborhood:

"Spicy snout basket, with an extra side of weltschmerz please."

[xcanuck]

Although I will say, that even more cutting edge and badass than tattoos of pig butcher charts is this: tattoos of poutine.

You promised you'd never tell anyone about that tatoo. So much for the sanctity of pillow talk.

[JPW]

Dude, you forgot the 90 minute limit.

[JuneBacon]

You also forgot to mention mustache rides.

[porcupine]

So you won't be using fine quality products like this?

[JuneBacon]

This is so lame. Tom would only give it 3 stars.

[JuneBacon]

SERIOUSLY? When will this hack ever give up ?!?